MUTE

after my last post, which was needed a big big courages to do it, the situation between me and him don't change or at least back to like it used to be. FYI, the 1st time i got close with him was when i knew him for the 1st time. around year 2005 i supposed. at that time i'm not that close either, just communicated around text in cell rarely, e-mail in only couple of time, or chit chatty in YM. from 2006-2009 the communication can be told "been cut off".

around the end of the year 2009, after i decided to get my own internet at home and became active again in YM, we started the communication again. and after i got my own smart phone and can got online in YM all the time, we've got very close in that chat room (private conversation). i always says "it's all about adjustment", and that's the picture of my relationship between me and him. even though i know he's unreachable person (he's in love with someone else), liking, caring or even loving is something that i can't control with. i don't know when to love him or when not to love him. all of those feeling just pop up like that, along with all the communication between me and him in YM.

beside chit chatty in YM, we started talking in cell phone. well, mostly it's me who started 1st. seeing each other it's inevitable. used to (again) it's me who started to made a plan for us to meet. of-course, because i'm the one who wanna see him. it's not something easy to do because we live in different area and i'm the one who used to went to his area place of work to made an appointment. it's not often or daily or monthly or annually. only if i went to Jakarta and he (of-course) have a time to met me.

short stories the latest situation between me and him that make me so moaning can be read in my latest post (There, I've Said It). sometimes i wanna talk to him that i'm really mad on him, but i re-thinking again it's not polite. not because yelling on him is not good, but because i don't have any rights to mad him. who am i? just friend!

hmmm.....
i keep telling to myself that he's one of my best-friend. i even already told him that. dedicated a Bruno Mars song to reflected our relationship. but yet i'm guessing that he don't think the same way. my friend Nova have posted something about friendship relationship (Best Friend, Good Friend, Friend, Less Friend, Not Friend) and i think (i know it's bad pre-assumption) that i'm just his Friend or maybe Less Friend.

why i ended up with this conclusion? it's maybe because the time he had for me has been reduced. we less communicate, less chat, less talk in cell, less seeing each other. yet, he keep seeing his friends (close friends if i can tell). i miss him, miss our lil' chit chatty, miss our short time meeting. I MISS HIM! yep, that's the truth. but i never told him so. maybe because i don't wanna him to conclude in different way or act differently to me, yet he already does that. and it's hurt me a lot. HURT ME A LOT INDEED!

i become mad on him because he can see his friend (different gender), communicate, even made a plan with her (i think she's back to his city's of work) and others while talking or chit chat with me is something less he wanna do. once again, i'm the one who always started to text him, started to buzz him in YM. I'm bothering him i guess, with my moaning in every cell phone communication. annoyed i supposed. he's been annoyed by me.

hhmm....
i remember he ever told me that "if someone only answer your question directly as the question that you've asked, just leave him. he doesn't have any interest on you". and now, he's the one who does that to me. every time i text him, he only answer it no more that 3 words. when was i text him or asked him if i can call him, he used to call me back if at that time he can't answer it directly. now, he hardly does that. never call me back. never even bother ask me how am i doing. and the last time we chat, he indirect unintentionally hurt my feeling. when i ask him if he had some free time and he answered "when?", i just mentioned that it's been a long time to us not to met. yet, he said "since when we have to regularly meet?". (duaaashhh)
it's a slap in my face. clearly i'm not something special (best friend) for him. it's useless i keep telling to myself that he is my best friend. because obviously he don't think the same way.

the other thing that make me so mad on him is ( i know it's because i'm to nosy to checkin' his twitter time line) he have time to see his friends (among them is his best friend who i knew already moved to the other island, and i think she moved back in) but not me. i remember when 3 of his friends was about to moved from Jakarta and he told me that "we wanna spend this little time of us", while at that time i really wanna met him. he even went to her wedding ceremony on the other island on weekend while he used to go back home. spending special time for her best friend while never does that for me. i know i'm jealous. yes i'm jealous. and i know is not right thing to do.

he once ever told me that he's those kindda person. person who never afraid to tell the truth even is hurt. he told me that "this is who i am. this is what i am, so take it or leave it". i know and i'm willing to take the consequences. but this time is different. he just like my other ex-bestfriend (become less friend). he despise me. making me invisible. and i'm not afraid to say that "you have change" even though i knew he didn't like it like his previous text to me when his friend said it in front of his face. Yep. i have to say it. in here :p

hhhaaahhh....life is hard and sometimes the truth hurts.

now i guess i have to do something that make me stop thinking that i'm hurt by him. focusing on something else, make my itinerary come true, reaching for my master goal, because i know love isn't something possible for me now. so i have to do something real that diverse or distract me from lovey dovey stuff. Abbas once told me that "if you wanna forget someone who hurts you a lot, it's easy. just stop and erase everything that mention about him and people around him". hmmm....i guess i wanna do that, but not yet. from now on i think i just do the "mute" thing. i'm willing to try to mute him from my live. and of-course curing my hearth also.

yep. i guess it's time for me to start it. just like what my friend said "let him go dD! Is the best option. Let the feeling go!"

MUTE. that's what i'm suppose to do right now up until my hurt feeling is cured.

ps: my bro, if you do have some spare time to read this (i know you're not) and you wanna refute or protest about it, call me and tell me directly. i know it's not fair for you that i mad on you in this post and everybody read it. let's say i'm being coward, but i'll say "you don't have time to listen to my argument".